Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Haha, What a Shitshow

The Council of the Seven Holy Seats. Despite the grandiose name, the chamber itself was nothing special. A huge round table stood on a flat white marble floor, surrounded by identical chairs.

The reason they insisted on using a round table was to show that all Seven Great Holy Orders stood on equal footing.

A circle has no beginning or end, no top or bottom.

In other words, there was no seat of honor.

Of course, everyone's gaze naturally gravitated toward wherever the chairman sat, so that spot inevitably felt like the head seat, but at least the hierarchy wasn't blatantly divided like it would be with a rectangular table.

On top of that, apparently this damned Council wanted to avoid even the impression that the head seat was fixed, because the seating arrangement changed every time.

All the chairs were identical too, so you had to find your place by checking the nameplates on the table.

The old man and I found our seats and sat down. Last time, Justitia had been beside us, but this time they were across the table.

I gave Clarice a small wave from across the table, then flipped through the parchment listing today's agenda.

None of it looked particularly interesting, but if I wanted to kill time, pretending to read was better than nothing.

As I passed the time like that, the Diana Order, which worshiped the God of Gold and Alcohol, entered.

“Heeeh... Hic.”

Kiara, Saintess of the Diana Order, dropped heavily into her chair with a pleasantly flushed face while drinking straight from a bottle.

The Archbishop standing beside her let out a faint sigh and shot us an apologetic look.

Ah, but why the hell did she have to sit next to me?

I felt like grabbing whoever assigned these seats by the collar and shaking them senseless.

Honestly, whoever sat beside me would probably give me a headache, but that dokkaebi reeked of alcohol on top of everything else, making it especially miserable.

“Sober up before coming in, you crazy bitch.”

I'd seen this a thousand times, but watching her enter a meeting completely wasted still left me speechless.

“Heeeh~ Sister Beatriceee, care for a drinkkk?”

“No.”

I rejected her firmly.

At least divine power couldn't be used inside the chamber, so she wouldn't be able to pull the same lunatic stunt from a few days ago and activate her authority.

Thank God for that.

If divine power were allowed, knowing her personality, she'd probably activate her authority and turn this sacred council chamber into a rowdy drinking party.

The next to enter was the Nike Order, which worshiped the Goddess of Wisdom and Victory.

“Hey, everyone? Over-under on today's meeting lasting two hours. Where are you betting? I'm taking the over.”

“...Crazy bitch.”

I clicked my tongue at Elysia's insane behavior, proposing a bet the second she entered.

The Archbishop beside her hurriedly dragged Elysia toward her seat.

‘Man, these Archbishops have it rough.’

Kiara at least acted weird because she was drunk.

Elysia did all that perfectly sober, which arguably made her worse.

...Or maybe showing up to a council meeting completely wasted was worse?

I don't know.

Honestly, there's no need to decide which is worse.

It's easier just to accept that both of them are insane.

And the truly tragic part was that even more crazy bitches were about to walk in one after another.

After the Nike Order came the Order serving Veritas, God of Inquiry and Creation.

Saintess Jailin entered alongside a dwarven Archbishop.

“Long time no see, everyone. Lately I've been researching prophetic dreams, the power granted only to Saintesses. Anyone want to volunteer?”

Brushing back her long purple hair, she swept the room with pale violet eyes glittering with madness.

“No, thank you, Big Sis Jailin.”

“Fuck off. I don't have a fetish for putting my body in the hands of a mad scientist.”

“I'll passss~ If I become your test subject, won't I be unable to drinkkk~?”

“Want to bet with big sis on how many people volunteer for Jailin's experiment?”

...Each Saintess responded in her own uniquely colorful way.

Jailin clicked her tongue and muttered that maybe she should just drug someone with sleeping medicine and drag them away.

Yep, good.

Never drinking anything that woman gives me.

Anyway, Jailin was both a priestess and a mage.

She was a Saintess who walked a highly unconventional path, incorporating magic into sacred arts.

And she was also a mad scientist.

Last year, Jailin had whined at me to lend her the Sacred Vestments and Astra because she wanted to study them.

When I refused, she said she wanted to study my body instead, so I kicked her ass and threw her out of the room.

‘...Not exactly a pleasant memory.’

The next to enter was the Harmonia Order, serving the God of Harmony and Temperance.

Made up mostly of Easterners, the Order had a familiar feeling to me, and its Saintess was named Seo Yeon.

You might ask if we're close because I call her by name, but her surname is Seo and her given name is Yeon.

Seo Yeon was one of the relatively normal Saintesses.

Except for the part where she was obsessively fixated on balance like some purple bald alien who went around collecting gemstones.

Once, when her left shoulder was dislocated, instead of treating it, she tried to dislocate the right shoulder too.

I'd been horrified.

I asked why she couldn't just heal the left shoulder, and apparently that wouldn't be natural or something.

She insisted the proper way was to dislocate both shoulders, increase her natural healing ability, and let them recover gradually together.

‘...Yeah. Never mind. She's not normal either.’

Still, she was quiet under ordinary circumstances, so if I absolutely had to categorize her, she was at least within shouting distance of normal.

Sure enough, she merely bowed lightly in greeting without saying anything, then sat quietly in her seat.

Just from that alone, she ranked near the top among Saintesses in terms of personality.

The last to enter was the Order serving Hestia, Goddess of the Home and Hearth.

And its Saintess was Shuri, a cheerful-looking girl with pink hair and pale pink eyes.

“...Husband!”

The moment she saw me, she came scampering over.

...While calling me that ridiculous title.

“Hey, I told you not to call me that—”

“I-I heard you spent the night with that lewd dokkaebi! Is that true?! How could you do something like that when you have me?!”

“...I'd appreciate it if you stopped saying things that invite misunderstandings.”

And stop shouting bullshit like that, you crazy bitch!

People are going to misunderstand!

Of course she had to come in last, when everyone from the other Orders was already here, then loudly say something that could be taken completely the wrong way.

“A misunderstanding? How hurtful, Sister Beatrice. Did we not spend a very heated night together? Hic.”

“You shut up for a second.”

My head hurt because instead of stopping the misunderstanding, Kiara was happily making it worse.

“Husband!”

After glaring at Kiara for spouting nonsense, Shuri threw herself into my arms with tears in her eyes.

Because she was so small, she fit perfectly against me and honestly looked adorable.

But when her head was filled with nothing except schemes for how to get her hands on me right this instant, there was no way I could find her cute.

“Get off me. Who the hell is your husband?!”

I irritably pushed Shuri away as she rubbed her face against my chest.

This pink-haired girl was an extreme lesbian.

Well, the Hestia Order only accepted virgins as priestesses and was completely forbidden to men, so it was already famous for relationships between women being widespread there.

But I'm not into that.

Sure, I like beautiful women, but that doesn't mean I feel sexual attraction toward them.

“...Hmm, then does Trixie want to be the wife?”

“No thanks.”

We're both women in the first place, so what difference does it make who's the wife and who's the husband?

I decided not to ask.

If I did, obscene nonsense dizzying enough to make my head spin would definitely come pouring out of that pink-haired mouth.

“Come into my arms, wife. I shall make you forget that depraved dokkaebi.”

“I said that's not what happened.”

“Ahh, what a tragedy. Has that depraved dokkaebi already stolen both your body and your heart? But fear not. I can love even a wife such as—”

“Shut up and get to your seat. Everyone's here, so the meeting's about to start.”

“Wah, so mean.”

Ah, my head hurts.

Is the hangover still lingering?

“...My apologies, Saintess Beatrice.”

While Shuri and I were bickering, Arang, the wolf beastkin Archbishop of the Hestia Order, casually grabbed Shuri by the back of her collar and pulled her away from me.

“Ah! Let go! You mutt!”

Shuri struggled wildly, but without divine power, there was no way she could overcome the raw strength of a beastkin.

“Calling your own Archbishop a mutt? Once we return to the Order, I will educate you regarding that vulgar way of speaking.”

“E-Educate me...!? W-What are you planning to do to me?! You pervert!”

“Think whatever you please.”

In the end, Shuri was dragged all the way back to her seat like luggage despite screaming her head off.

I rubbed my throbbing temple and looked around.

Glug glug-

“Ahhh- Now that's good liquor. Hic.”

We had one bitch blatantly drinking in the middle of the council chamber,

“Clarice, want to bet with big sis?”

another bitch who thought the round table was a gambling table,

“Ugh! Let go! I'm going to my wife!”

an extreme lesbian who'd decided on her own that I was a married woman,

“...Seven makes me uneasy. The balance is wrong. It would be better to remove one... No, there would be too much resistance. Should I propose adding another and making it the Eight Great Holy Orders...?”

a balance-obsessed lunatic muttering nonsense with a pale face, and...

“Archbishops? Would you like to sample this? It's called ‘Cold Six.’ It forcibly keeps the brain awake, so you can't sleep even if you want to. The sample size is a little small, though, so if you'd agree to human experimentation... Ah, excuse me, testing, I'll send you a free box after the official release. How does that sound?”

...a mad scientist recruiting clinical test subjects right here.

‘Haha, what a shitshow.’

The Archbishops were clutching their heads and trying to calm the Saintesses down, but it wasn't working particularly well.

The future of the Empire looked bleak.

“What do you think, old man? Compared to them, I'm a pretty decent Saintess, aren't I?”

“...Hmm.”

While watching the chaos unfold, I casually joked to the old man beside me.

Contrary to my expectation that he'd answer immediately, he gave a thoughtful hum.

Why are you hesitating, old man?

You're looking at this absolute disaster and you're still hesitating?

If that's how it is, then I... might just cause an incident right here.

“Yes, well. Let us say that you are.”

“...Hmm.”

I narrowed my eyes at the old man.

It felt a little like I'd forced the compliment out of him, but whatever.

I'll just be satisfied.

The moment this meeting ended, I was getting the hell out of Septimoa.

I'd already been thinking that, but looking at this cauldron of chaos made the desire downright desperate.

Just as I was thinking through the fastest possible retreat route...

BAM-

“Everyone, please be quiet!”

A sharp voice pierced through the noisy chaos.

The owner of that voice was Clarice.

She frowned deeply as she looked around the round table.

And instantly, as if by magic, the Saintesses became quiet.

“This is a sacred council session. Is it appropriate to make such a commotion? Please, everyone, remember your dignity.”

...Oh.

As expected of Clarice.

Clap clap-

Seeing the chamber become silent in an instant, I applauded in admiration.

Then Clarice's sharp gaze stabbed straight into me.

...Why?

I've been sitting quietly...

“Big Sis! You should be stopping the other Saintesses! How can you just fold your arms and stand by watching everything happen?!”

“...”

I'd stop them if I could.

But none of them listen to a damn word I say, so how am I supposed to stop them?

...Naturally, I only said that inside my head.

Avoiding Clarice's gaze, I buried my eyes in the parchment listing the council agenda.

Elysia snickered when she saw me, but the moment Clarice's murderous gaze shifted toward her, she flinched and hunched her shoulders.

Anyway, Clarice cleaned up this entire disaster with one sentence.

Well, maybe two.

As expected of the original heroine.

Amazing.

“...Ahem. We will now begin the meeting. Lord Magnus, Pope of the Justitia Order and chairman of the current session, will be entering, so please rise.”

The clerk, who had been standing there helplessly with no idea how to bring the chaos under control, gave Clarice a grateful look, cleared his throat, and spoke.

At his words, we all began rising from our seats...

Crash-

“...?”

A sudden loud noise made me turn my head.

Apparently Kiara had fallen over while trying to stand.

“...Uuu... Ugh...”

“I'm warning you now. Don't throw up.”

I recoiled when I saw Kiara on her knees covering her mouth.

“Heheh, throw up? I'm merely creating a beautifuuul rainbow with my mouthhh.”

“...Get out.”

Watching Kiara stagger back upright made my eyes squeeze shut on their own.

Anyway.

The council chamber doors opened, and the chairman appeared.

Dragon horns protruded from between red hair, and brilliant yellow eyes held vertical slit pupils.

Magnus, Pope of the Justitia Order, a dragonkin with an impressive red tail, slowly walked inside.

‘I heard he's already been Pope for over a hundred years, right?’

If he'd already held the papacy for a century, his real age had to be even higher.

As expected, his presence was exceptionally sharp.

I stared at him intently.

Apparently sensing my gaze, he looked back at me.

“Please, everyone, take your seats.”

He smiled faintly at me and spoke in a dignified voice.

At those words, we sat down.

“We will now begin the Council of the Seven Holy Seats.”

The meeting began.